


Remains of The Queen

by ofself



Category: Gossip Girl (TV 2007)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Drama, F/M, Gen, Heartache, Humiliation, Insecurity, Self-Discovery, Slow Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-06-09
Updated: 2009-06-09
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:14:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28116759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ofself/pseuds/ofself
Summary: This is Blair Waldorf, of the elusive perfection and unattainable beauty. Of course she'll survive.-Queen B falls. And once again rises.
Relationships: Dan Humphrey/Blair Waldorf
Kudos: 7





	Remains of The Queen

She walks out of class trembling ever so slightly but looking picture perfect. She holds her head high on her slender neck and walks. In the hallway and courtyard, people whip out their phones and look at Gossip Girl's vindictive little message. They stare at her and snigger and though she's trying to be strong and she's come dressed with in all her favorite fashions to feel invincible, she feels herself breaking. Cracking little by little as her perfect mask begins to slip. The sniggers get louder and there are whispers accompanying it and maybe if she tries hard enough, she'll drown out all the cattiness that has always been second nature to her.

Chuck has once again left and this time he left her stranded for good. And the Queen B has fallen from her pedestal of perfection. To humans there's nothing more entertaining than the descent of someone into humiliation and despair. It's just the way our psyches' are structured. We all enjoy it when someone so perfect suddenly has a whole lot of flaws dogging every step she takes.

She can't even call on Serena for support because Serena is with Nate and she really doesn't want to be a part of this triangle that she Nate and Serena eventually always become because Nate is as fickle as the summer breezes that blow and can never make up his mind about who he loves, Serena or Blair. Also maybe it's time Serena stopped falling down with her and picking her up.

She sees Nelly and Hazel and Penelope and they look like they don't know her. Of course they don't, because they never really have bothered. And there's a look in their eyes which says, you never were perfect.

Liar, liar, liar.

...

The mask has finally slipped and a tear rolls down her eye. She can see little J standing in the crowd and watching her, pity in her eyes. That is not what she wants but when she does see that she breaks some more and the tears the fall onto her ruffled silk shirt and just twinkle in the sunlight mocking her. Suddenly the crowd parts and someone steps through and guides her away from everyone. She feels like she's having an out of body experience when she sees that the person is Dan Humphrey, Lonely Boy himself steering her away from the crowds and towards the washrooms. He doesn't look at her and she doesn't look at him and she just finds herself going quietly because quite frankly, she's lost the will to fight anything.

Looks like Chuck finally got what he wanted. He broke her and left the pieces behind.

...

He gently pushes her into the wash room and she stares at herself in the mirror. This isn't Blair Waldorf, only a pale shadow of her former self. She splashes water on her face and wipes it dry. She takes out her lipstick, carefully applies it, and retouches her face and eyes and looks back into the mirror, slightly satisfied. This is Blair Waldorf, of the elusive perfection and unattainable beauty.

Maybe Chuck just hasn't broken her yet. She picks up her bag and lifts her heart from the soles of her feet where it currently is resting and she shoves it back in. She's a Waldorf and she will survive. It's been ingrained from birth by those head bands she wears, symbolizing her invisible crown. She's the queen, former or present it doesn't it matter. All she knows is that, royalty always make dignified exits regardless of the circumstances. And she's a Waldorf, Upper East Side royalty from birth. Of course she'll make a dignified exit that people won't forget.

...

She walks out and there's Dan patiently waiting for her. She doesn't look at him but simply hooks her arm through his and together they walk into the courtyard and the whole crowd goes silent. Guess they don't get to see her crash and burn after all. She smiles a small smile at Serena, nods at J, her successor and moves a little closer to Dan. Maybe she's not going to be picking up the pieces alone after all.

...

Gossip Girl commends her exit but also serves her several backhanded compliment. That's the nature of the gossip isn't it? She didn't for one moment think that Gossip Girl would actually just leave her be. No, she's prime fodder having just vacated the throne in the upper echelons of the school hierarchy. The fallen Queen B. But some days, she just can't bear to look at those sugar coated jabs. Her fashionable armor is replete with fissures, allowing malicious vines to slither inside and prickle her skin uncomfortably. She closes her eyes and feels tears well up behind them but doesn't let them fall. She may have fallen but isn't going to let Gossip Girl know she can be broken too.

...

Eleanor is surprisingly nice. She tells her of her own teenage days and the boy she fell so in love with that she went into depression when they broke up. She can see that Eleanor is making the effort to connect. But she can't help wondering if her mother is heartbroken even now. Ever since her father left, her eyes don't shine. She may have found Cyrus but that doesn't mean that Cyrus necessarily fills the void. And it's in those moments that she connects with Eleanor more than ever.

Some days she reads a post and calls him. And just listens to the words that seem to come tumbling out so fast from out of his mouth. Today when she sees a photo of Chuck with someone blonde and beautiful hanging on his arm, her eyes blur and she pauses for a moment before dialing a number. She doesn't say anything but she just listens to him softly speak, tell her about his latest bit of writing, the one for which he just cant seem to find the muse to continue. He talks of someday going to Mexico and lying on its warm sunny beaches and gazing at the blueblue ocean till his eyes hurt. He talks of many inconsequential things, his voice soothing and slow, acting like balm and she finally smiles a little. "Thank you," she whispers and keeps the phone down. She can feel him smile too; she can almost see the warmth from his smile radiate over the phone and wash over her in waves.

She needs someone to call and Serena can't do because she doesn't need Serena to sugarcoat it. Also she for the first time in her life just wants to let Serena and Nate be. He needs someone to talk too other than Serena because can't you remember? She's no longer his muse, whimsical and golden. And by tacit consent nobody mentions Chuck Bass.

...

She's at his home feeling equal parts welcome and equal parts a stranger. She just doesn't know because this strange territory, depending on someone outside of the Upper East side but when she walks up the stairs and knocks home she almost feels like she's somewhere close to him. And when he does open the door, it's not the sight she expected to see. He stands there with a child perched on his hip, one tugging at his jeans ad he looks frazzled and lost. She briefly considers exiting gracefully because hello, she's wearing Burberry and Dsquared and they aren't exactly child proof. But when he sends her a pleading look and she finds herself walking, borrowing a sweat shirt of his and picking up a wailing child to calm her down. The house is over-run with children and as he bounces a cranky little boy on his knee he explains that his relatives have come over to see his father's new art gallery, en masse. His father has taken out the adults. His sister took out the tweens and he's supposed to be taking care of the toddlers.

The little girl in her arms plays with her curls and tugs on them and when she looks down to reprimand her, the child shoots her a sweet innocent smile and like many other's before her she melts in the face of the utter adorableness that are children. She looks up to see him walking around gently rocking the little boy in his arms who tired after all his crankiness, is finally falling asleep. With a start she realizes something. She likes the image before her eyes. The image of him rocking a small child to sleep. She feels like he would be a good father. Love his children, play with them and kiss away theirs fears. And strangely enough she knows she wouldn't mind if this is how her future with him would like. She isn't asking for it though. She just thinks it would be nice. He would be kind and loving and bring her flowers unexpectedly and write abstract prose to her and she would in return sew little heart-shaped lockets onto his shirts. It would be unexpected but ideal.

...

They say when everything fades, hope still remains. It's human kind's biggest weakness and strength, all rolled into one. But she's not sure of that anymore. The bright burning flame which she carried around in her chest is now beginning to dwindle into a small speck of light. And she's not sure anymore if she willing to wait, willing to stretch her emotions thin. It's not that she doesn't want to wait. But she's not sure if she can handle the outcome of waiting. Because maybe, just maybe she might have moved on. And that is scary because for a while, Chuck is all she has known. She lived for him and breathed for him and danced to watch him dance. Now, now she's begun living for herself. And maybe Chuck does not hold a place in her life anymore.

...

It's not that she doesn't love him. She loves Chuck and will always continue to love him. And she's sure Chuck loves her, she suspects it's the very reason he went away. Because Chuck will never be able to reconcile with the fact he loves someone who loves him despite all his flaws. His world weary mind is steeped in cynicism and disbelief. And no amount of love on her part will ever break that down the fact that he deserves to be loved. Not that she blames him though.

She always knew that someday, something like this would happen. She just didn't expect it to be so soon. The swiftness of it threw her into a tailspin, unsupported by blissful ignorance. But now that she's tentatively back on her feet somehow aided ambiguously by Dan, she's ready to start rebuilding the pieces.

...

Once upon a time she would have never imagined that she shared anything in common with Dan at all. But evenings spent on cold park benches tell her differently. They trade easy jabs, not hurtful but with a twinge of mockery underlying them because don't forget, after all she is the everything the Upper East side is meant to be and he's everything the Upper East Side and abhors and also secretly envies because he doesn't have to put on a mask, every single minute of the day.

He has it all, even when he doesn't really have it in the first place. Still she thinks, this tentative thing - because she can't call it a friendship as yet - of sitting on park benches and discussing Hemingway and Salinger is the closest thing to normality she's had in months. Because when's she's talking about these inconsequential things with him both of them try not to mention anything to do with Serena and Chuck and it's all wonderful really once you get past the awkward silences.

She never really thought she would have anything in common with him but it would figure that they'd commiserate over American literature and unmentioned heartbreak. It's their refuge and their thing. And in a strange way it's like catharsis, talking about something and not mentioning heartbreak. To anyone else it might not make any sense. But to them it makes perfect sense because she won't mention Serena and he won't mention Chuck and they are helping each other slowly heal.

Remember, it's their thing and not for anyone else to understand. And besides, one day they will talk and spill those secrets that scar their hearts and that they hold close to them, like dogs guarding their bones. They're just not going to do it now. Because they're not sure if this fledgling 'thing' they have can handle it. And they don't want to spoil the one good thing that they feel is happening to them now.

...

Sometimes they talk of Jenny. Because she does really want to know how her sometimes friend, sometimes enemy and able protégé is doing. She's surprised to know that Jenny turned over the throne of Queen B to some other nameless pretty girl who was thrilled to receive it. She thinks maybe that's the wisest decision little J ever made. Because being the Queen, it's not all sunshine and daisies, it's mostly tears and backbiting and false friends, which the Upper East Side always has too much of. She should know, she's been there, done that and seen it all.

...

She's knows she's off the radar when Gossip Girl has nothing to report about her frequenting parks and cafes. Because there are only so many times, people are willing to read about Upper East Side's fallen Queen B slumming it so willingly with Lonely Boy.

That day she's so happy that for once she forgets that Dan is Dan and gives him a hug and ever so gently brushes her lips against his cheeks. He's stunned and so is she. That of course puts her right back on the web pages with a witty caption underneath. Because everybody knows that Gossip Girl always has someone around, somewhere or the other on the lookout for fodder. Because she loves you as much as she hates you. xoxo, gossip Girl.

Gossip Girl posts the photos and surprisingly enough nobody feels like she needs an intervention. It makes her happy, because finally Gossip Girl posts something that the Upper East Side considers redundant – Blair Waldorf seen in the company of Dan Humphrey. But it does get her one text message though that stands out from the rest.

She sees the name that flashes across the screen and her heart clenches, the blood flow momentarily stopping and she releases a breath she didn't know she was holding.

_Why B?_

She doesn't know how to answer it because text messages are inadequate for what she has to say and none of them are elegantly wrought words of admonition. She just curls up in her bed and cries and cries and wishes that somehow tears could be transferred over a distance, salty and frozen into being like diamonds. They would be plenty of them, sparkling and glittering and pretty, belying reason behind their existence.

She cries not because she misses him. She finished crying about that long ago. She cries because it takes him a photo to respond after months of unanswered calls, desperate voice mails, tear stained letters scented with sweet alcohol and bitter heartbreak. It takes her a night and she makes her decision, mascara stained and hair mussed but more certain than she's ever been.

_Life_.

It isn't betrayal, it never was and it never will be but she's moving forward because she doesn't know if she can live a life waiting for him to rein in his fears and come back. Maybe some day he will move forward but she's come to the bittersweet realization that it will never be with her. She's too much like him and she scares him just as much as he loves her. Only his love can't seem to overcome his fear that she might leave him someday.

In a twisted sense she understands that he's trying to prevent himself from heartbreak by being to one who leaves first. She doesn't hold it against him. Because she always knew.

...

There aren't anymore messages after that and nor does she send any. They both know that they have finally and irrevocably broken apart. She also feels a tiny bit of relief with it. Because with Chuck, there was always an element of the unknown, something like fear that ate at her stomach and made her second guess every step of the way. That feeling doesn't nag at her and there's nothing weighing down on her shoulders.

When she meets Dan later that day, there's a look in his eyes asking questions and she feels the need to answer because she knows she owes him something. Maybe not an explanation but she gets the feeling she owes him thanks for pulling her out of a spiral which only went downwards. Okay, she owes him an explanation too because in her neatly compartmentalized heart where a few people have a place, he's gently nudged himself in and it looks like he's staying put.

...

She spends the entire evening on a cold park bench, under a tree slowly shedding leaves, telling him what happened, what she did and didn't do and what he did and he should have done but didn't do. It's convoluted and complicated just like she and Chuck have always been but somehow Dan understands and nods along, nudging her along at the parts where her throat catches and her eyes well up.

Because it's heartache after all and tears have to be shed if you have a heart and a shoulder to cry on. By the time she's done, her throat is raw and her eyes are puffy but she can manage a watery smile and he manages a full one (he's smiling for the both of them). He has only one word to say for all of this and she waits with trepidation for it, feeling pleasantly surprised when it comes.

All he says is, good. And she understands what he means; good that she got closure, good that it ended and good that she experienced the catharsis she's been so desperately wanting to happen.

...

She muses that it's scary how sometimes he knows her so much better than herself and she tells him that. But he denies that. He knows only what she shows him, and even though it's complicated, he figures it out because he's an outsider. She doesn't know herself as well as she wants because her thoughts are clouded and she sometimes cannot separate them like he does when watching her. His judgement is not affected by a multitude of factors while hers are. The factors are her feelings so it's not like she can do anything about them.

That makes her even happier because she's glad to know she's not an open book and that nor is he digging deep through her soul just like Chuck needed to do before he got close to someone.

...

It's almost nightfall and she walks back with him, arm in arm. Around them, the wind blows and the city bustles past, with people talking and laughing and living. Her eyes mirror the twinkling lights surrounding and with a start she realizes that this is what she has been looking forward too. Not picking up the pieces, nor waiting for him to come back but being happy.

She had been waiting for the day when everything would be alright again and she would smile and mock someone's dress sense, where the world's natural balance would be resorted and this is that day. It doesn't come with all the expensive elegance of a diamond necklace or a room filled with fashionable people toasting her but it comes on the streets where she's one among a million people, just like any other. And it happens not with her family or her best friends, it happens with Dan Humphrey, who she thinks toes the line between, friend and something more.

And strangely enough she's fine with it. Because she's never been happier. They are sitting in this tiny little café, in a small partially enclosed alcove and even though this is not her scene, she's come to adore it. When they are here, it's as if warmth surrounds them and envelops them and then they segue into their own little world, where she and he alone exist. Sometimes she thinks she wants to call it - paradise.

...

Delicate fragrant whorls of lemons and tea leaves dissipate into the air as she raises a teacup and takes a sip. Over the rim of her teacup she looks at him, lips pursed as he reads the paper and she marvels at how far they have come. When they are together and when she's alone, Blair has been learning to accept and to love; she sometimes feels so close to really achieving bliss.

Teenage pettiness fades into the distant past and she muses prosaically on her younger self, making no judgment but not exactly liking herself either. This is what is called growing up and Blair is grateful for things such as these. She hasn't made her peace with everything because some wounds are deep, so deep that they will never heal but she's learnt to live them and delegate them to a corner where they will never matter and never affect her. Not to say that what she has with Dan is perfect, like the fairytales she still believes in. But bits and pieces from their lives entwined together do come pretty close and that to her is the most important thing.

Fairytales however happy are never real but Dan and her with their sometimes perfect moments are and they are equally happy. Oh how time has flown from then to now. And she's grown too, blossoming like a sunflower with her face turned up towards the sun to catch every little moment of life and soaking it all in, no questions asked. Maybe that' partly because he's always at her side, not saying many useless words but holding her hand and squeezing it comfortingly when she needs it.

He's just there, by her side and maybe that's what she loves the most about him.

...

When she sets the cup down, he directs a smile of amusement at her and then slides over a tiny little blue box. She opens it and eyes it a little critically. He watches her calmly as she gazes at the box trying to decide if she's ready for her life's next big adventure. The gemstone winks back at her merrily, twinkling in the faint light and she takes out the ring and slips it onto her finger and pauses for a moment, looking at and feeling her eyes mist over a little. She displays it to him and he grins wide, happy and uninhibited and she smiles back, equally happy and unburdened.

She's always had a soft spot for new beginnings.

Especially when they are with Dan.


End file.
